ClipSelect v3
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[ominous music plays]

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[sighs] Okay. Dad and evil boss In jail.

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Reality restored.

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Zero hours of sleep.

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Ow, God! And a new catastrophic workplace injury.

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Thanks, J.R. God, I hate this fucking--

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[elevator dings]

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-[cheering] -[Gigi] Yes!

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Welcome back, Boss Friend Forever!

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Brett, did you do all this?

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No, dog. They did it on their own.

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Who'd have thought the best timeline was this one?

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[cheering]

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[Mothman] Thank you, Reagan.

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You rescued me from a timeline

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where a teleporter turned me into Jeff Goldblum.

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I was trapped in a dystopia where Kennedy never got shot.

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It was awful. He ended up killing millions.

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And we had three faces!

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It was unnatural.

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We're just glad we don't have to listen to these guys anymore.

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Are these jumpsuits made out of fucking polyester?

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I already have crotch rash!

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Will you stop manhandling your crotch?

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Oh! Like I didn't live all four years in our college dorm

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listening to your abusive relationship with your right hand!

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[guard] Hey, you two! Save the shanking for the Death Arena!

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-Oh, yeah, the Death Arena. -I hate that fucking arena.

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You earned this.

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You led Cognito through a gauntlet.

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And saved all these POWs.

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[Myc] "Prisoners of warped realities." Glenn coined that one.

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I'm a wordsmith!

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I don't know what to say, guys.

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It's your moment, pal. Enjoy it.

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-Well, I-- -[cell phone buzzes]

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[bell tolls]

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[air horns blare]

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Time for our first totally normal day with zero crazy personal drama.

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See? She's so relaxed, she's completely frozen.

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Right, Reagan? Right? Right? Reagan?

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-Reagan? -[all] Yeah!

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Aw, I love how weird she is.

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[upbeat music plays]

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Reagan Ridley, on behalf of the Illuminati,

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I wish to thank you for doing what I never could.

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Destroying your father.

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Thank you, but he destroyed himself.

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Although he did team up with whiskey.

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Please accept this as a small, humble token of our thanks.

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-[Myc] Wow! -[Gigi] A little over-the-top.

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I don't hate this.

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[rock music plays]

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I talked to God, and He's gonna send you to VIP heaven.

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You're not going to shitty heaven with the regular people.

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You saved the world for real, ninjette!

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[in alien language] Please accept this gift basket.

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[Glenn] Ugh!

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[in English] I've seen enough anime to know which holes these go in!

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We expect great things, Reagan.

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[all] Cognito!

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Whoa, the entire global conspiracy just got behind you!

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The weight of the world is on your shoulders.

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[Myc] Finally, a reason for you to have shitty posture.

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Guys, I appreciate all of this, but we still have a cover-up to focus on.

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There's still some leftover anomalies that need to be contained.

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The damage to our timeline has caused a number of minor inconsistencies.

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Plot holes, if you will.

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Oh, of course, like how some celebrities are reptoids

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and others are randomly Illuminati.

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It's like Illuminati stuff came later!

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[Myc] Or like how I used to say I wasn't an alien,

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and then you guys found out my species arrived on an asteroid.

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Exactly. These plot holes were all caused by the machine.

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-[Myc] Very satisfying. -Future stuff too!

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But the major anomalies are still causing chaos.

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Like here. A warehouse full of Berenstain Bears books

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where their names are spelled wrong. Also, their genitals are showing.

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[laughs] Papa Bear is packin'.

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We have six hours before the changes become permanent.

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We need to isolate and contain every plot hole from this past season.

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Of summer. The season of summer.

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Hey, Brett, sidebar?

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[Brett] "We need to talk."

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[sighs]

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Dang! That always means breakups or cancer.

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Maybe it's just cancer.

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I need some time to figure this out.

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Do you think you could run things for the day?

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Me? In charge of a whole workforce, like Santa?

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Come on! You're not the same Brett you were when you started here!

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You can handle this.

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Just remember, being a boss means making tough decisions.

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-Sometimes you have to kill your babies. -I resent that!

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[both] It's a figure of speech!

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Fucking Steve!

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Uh, Brett is in charge for the day,

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and I want you to give him the same respect that you've given me

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starting roughly this morning.

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All right, team. Let's get out there and--

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Hey! Where's everybody going?

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This just turned into a snow day.

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Except for the 0% body fat, you're a big softie.

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Oh, yeah? Would a big softie vaporize his favorite movie anomaly?

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[dramatic music plays]

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-Damn! -He killed his baby!

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Shooting!

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That's right, there's a new sheriff in town. "Sheriff Boss"!

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[Myc] I'm sticking around to see how dumb this gets.

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All right, listen up. Confiscate the presidential portraits of Dennis Rodman,

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sandblast the Pepsi logo off the moon,

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and figure out how many Oscars Meryl Streep is supposed to have.

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Three sounds kind of low.

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[man] Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

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Man, leadership is easy.

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You just yell the things you want, and they happen.

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Massive anomaly detected right here in DC.

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Brett's get dangerous! All together now.

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-No chance. -Not doing that.

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[chuckles] Come on, guys.

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Okay, okay.

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[all] Brett's get dangerous.

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That's better.

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[Reagan sighs]

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Hey, the door was unlocked and--

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Oh God. You're leaving?

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Reagan. I--

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I don't hear from you for days and you're moving?

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I'm sorry. I needed time to think things over.

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Do you know how many times we've almost died since we met?

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Um, well, together or separately?

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Look, before you break up with me, I just want to say--

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[gentle music plays]

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I love you.

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I love you too.

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Wait, what the hell are you… Are you not breaking up with me?

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No! Are you kidding? You're the only thing that matters to me.

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Which is why I made all of this.

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A scrapbook? Appleton, Wisconsin?

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What's in Appleton?

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Just a small town where nobody knows us.

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The perfect place for perfect memories.

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[Reagan] Passports? You made us new identities?

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And deepfaked photos of us? We never did this stuff.

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And if we don't leave the shadow world, we might never get a chance to.

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I've been thinking about it and thinking about it,

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and this job is dangerous, Reagan.

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And the thought of you getting--

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Why did your finger just fall off?

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[laughs awkwardly] Oh… this?

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This is just from getting shot by my intern during a dimension storm.

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This is what I mean! You're risking your life at that job,

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and for what?

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To do the bidding of the "Black Robes"?

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We don't even know who they are!

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Are they good, evil, even human?

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[sighs]

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The night we met, I wanted to escape this job,

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but then I met you,

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and you were worth sticking around for.

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Now, there's a chance for us to have both.

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My last memory eraser.

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Two charges.

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We could start a new life before it's too late.

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If we remember classified intel, they'll come for us,

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but this way, we'll be free.

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In Appleton, huh?

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Low crime. Good schools.

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Two rocking chairs on the porch for when we grow old.

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Hopefully together?

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Yeah, knowing us, we'd probably end up taking over the town like dictators.

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You can't fix the world. Something will always fuck it up again.

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But we could start our own world together.

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I know it's a big decision, but… just think about it?

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Okay. I'll think about it.

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All right, we re-canceled Kevin Spacey,

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replaced the signs that said "Pizza Hutch,"

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and forced Richard Nixon back into his grave.

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I don't wanna talk about it.

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There's only one anomaly left. In this gym.

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[suspenseful music plays]

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Once we get rid of it, our timeline should stabilize.

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Now, let's vaporize this puppy.

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Hello? Any Mandela Effects in here?

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-[clanging] -[gasps] Was that a swish?

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It sounded like nothing but net!

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-[loud clanging] -[all gasp]

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[ominous music plays]

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[Brett breathes heavily]

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-[barks] -[Brett yelps]

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Air Bud? From Disney's Air Bud?

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My first on-screen role model!

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He must have been left here

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from a timeline where Air Bud was a documentary.

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I guess there's nothing in the rules of physics

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that says a dog can't glitch through time and play basketball.

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[Myc] Great. Let's vaporize this puppy!

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-What? No! -[Air Bud whimpers]

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[Myc] Oh, but you literally said--

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That's when I thought it was a bad anomaly. Look at this good boy.

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His hair swoops just like mine!

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Brett, if I've learned anything from Air Bud,

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Air Bud Two: Golden Receiver,

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Air Bud Three: World Pup, Air Bud Four: Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back,

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and the Air, Snow, Space, Santa, Spooky Treasure,

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and Super Buddy spin-offs,

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it's that the world doesn't need a fucking basketball-playing dog!

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-But… [in Scooby-Doo voice] Rye ruv him. -[Air Bud whimpers]

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No biggie, just making the biggest decision of my life

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when I can't even hold on to a portable charger.

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Reagan, I really need your advice on…

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Oh, leaving again?

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Staedtler kind of asked me to run away with him,

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like, forever.

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Brett? What if you being in charge was more of a permanent thing?

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Forever? But, Reagan, you're my best friend, and…

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[gentle music plays]

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I… [clears throat]

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And I got this.

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All I care about is that you're happy.

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What did you need my advice about?

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[chuckles] Nothing Sheriff Boss can't handle.

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-[ball thuds] -[barking]

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Did you just hear a dog dunking?

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Drive safe, pal!

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Just gotta think it over. Job versus love… Job versus…

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-[clanging] -[groans]

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The hell?

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[elevator dings repeatedly]

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Our building doesn't even go that low. Does it?

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Agh! No! I promised myself I wouldn't die at work!

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[suspenseful music plays]

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No, no, no! Agh!

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[suspenseful music crescendos]

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[elevator dings]

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[Robes] Reagan Ridley, the time has come.

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Oh my God, it's you, the Black Robes!

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[Robe 1] We have been watching you for some time. You and your father.

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He hid the most dangerous weapon in the universe right under our noses.

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Project Reboot.

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[Robe 2] More like Project "Fuck Up 100,000 Years of Planning."

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-[Robe 1] Agreed. -[Robe 2] The fucking guy.

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[Robe 1] We wanted to thank you for saving reality.

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Wow, I'm honored. I mean "shadow-honored" if that is the preferred term?

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[Robe 1] That is the term. Shadow-honored.

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But what am I even doing here?

0:11:56.54 - 0:11:57.92

Who are you guys?

0:11:58.00 - 0:12:01.33

In all these years, you've never shown me anything.

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[Robe 1] Then what if we showed you… everything?

0:12:04.50 - 0:12:06.50

[suspenseful music plays]

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[Robes] In ministerium chobanis!

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[gasps]

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You guys aren't gonna sacrifice me to a Cthulhu, right?

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[Robe 2] No, hell, no, no. That guy's fucking nuts!

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[suspenseful music continues]

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Who's ready to pet our new office dog?

0:12:26.71 - 0:12:29.79

His name is, um, Regular Bud.

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[all groan]

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You brought the anomaly back here?

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-[gasping] -[Brett grunts]

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Hey!

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That thing cannot remain in our timeline.

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In less than four hours, our universe will conform to a reality

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where dogs rule at basketball.

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So? That doesn't sound so bad.

0:12:47.13 - 0:12:49.58

Once dogs dominate the NBA, they'll evolve thumbs.

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They'll learn to work doorknobs,

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which leads to political power, their own military.

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A full-on planet of the dogs!

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[gasping]

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Sweet dolphin Jesus!

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You have to kill this dog to save our universe.

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No. No! There must be a solution.

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What would Reagan do? Put me in charge?

0:13:06.83 - 0:13:07.92

So, what would Brett do?

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[Myc] Here it comes!

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I'll prove we don't have to worry about dogs dominating humans on or off the court

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by beating Air Bud in a game of one-on-one.

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[groaning]

0:13:17.58 - 0:13:22.17

[Myc] Yes! This has wildly exceeded my expectations of stupidity.

0:13:23.21 - 0:13:26.29

[Robe 1] Our story begins at the dawn of history.

0:13:26.38 - 0:13:28.75

The birth of the very first society

0:13:28.83 - 0:13:32.17

begat the need for the very first secret society.

0:13:32.96 - 0:13:34.58

[grunting]

0:13:34.67 - 0:13:38.92

[Robe 1] A fraction of early humans were born smarter than their fellow cavemen.

0:13:39.96 - 0:13:41.38

[surprised grunts]

0:13:43.79 - 0:13:46.71

[Robe 1] The intelligent ones realized that without intervention,

0:13:46.79 - 0:13:48.92

their species would never survive.

0:13:49.00 - 0:13:50.88

[worried grunts]

0:13:50.96 - 0:13:53.00

[Robe 1] But they were mocked for their enlightenment.

0:13:53.08 - 0:13:54.42

[scared grunt, then groan]

0:13:55.29 - 0:13:56.96

-[animal growls] -[scared grunt]

0:13:57.04 - 0:13:59.25

-[animal roars] -[screaming]

0:13:59.33 - 0:14:00.17

[groans]

0:14:01.38 - 0:14:05.25

[Robe 1] They realized humanity needed to be protected from itself.

0:14:06.21 - 0:14:08.83

And if they would not listen to reason,

0:14:08.92 - 0:14:12.25

perhaps they would listen to a higher power.

0:14:12.33 - 0:14:14.17

[dramatic music plays]

0:14:17.54 - 0:14:21.42

[Robe 1] And thus, the Order of the Black Robes was born.

0:14:23.67 - 0:14:26.58

[Robe 2] Operating from the shadows using secret knowledge,

0:14:26.67 - 0:14:30.42

we and our descendants kept watch over all of human history.

0:14:30.50 - 0:14:35.29

Not to point out the obvious, but fire, plague, actual fucking locusts?

0:14:35.38 - 0:14:38.83

If you're watching over us, why didn't you stop these things?

0:14:38.92 - 0:14:40.92

[Robe 1] Stop them? We unleashed them.

0:14:41.00 - 0:14:43.21

When humanity was about to overpopulate,

0:14:43.29 - 0:14:45.54

we released the Black Plague,

0:14:45.63 - 0:14:49.83

and in quarantine, Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.

0:14:49.92 - 0:14:53.75

Okay, what is the plan behind burning rainforests?

0:14:53.83 - 0:14:56.58

[Robe 2] Controlled fire to stop sentient trees overthrowing humanity.

0:14:56.67 - 0:14:59.79

Shit, really? Okay. Uh, the Titanic?

0:14:59.88 - 0:15:02.29

-[Robe 1] Atlantean invasion fleet. -[Reagan] Huh. No kidding.

0:15:02.38 - 0:15:04.83

[Robe 1] What appears on the surface to be chaos

0:15:04.92 - 0:15:08.04

is actually a complex system serving a greater good.

0:15:08.13 - 0:15:09.79

[Robe 2] Humanity is like your team.

0:15:09.88 - 0:15:12.75

You've seen what happens when you don't save them from themselves.

0:15:12.83 - 0:15:15.88

They're not that helpless! I put Brett in charge this morning,

0:15:15.96 - 0:15:19.50

and I'm sure that there are zero high jinks happening right now.

0:15:20.58 - 0:15:23.79

At two and a half feet and 14 and a half sequels,

0:15:23.88 - 0:15:26.21

he dribbles with his paws and his mouth.

0:15:26.29 - 0:15:30.50

-It's Air Bud! -[cheering]

0:15:30.58 - 0:15:32.92

[Myc] Yeah, mankind is doomed.

0:15:33.00 - 0:15:35.21

If the dog wins, he dies,

0:15:35.29 - 0:15:38.50

but this little idiot does not want that, does he?

0:15:39.13 - 0:15:42.46

Throw the game. Please. Please! The stakes are so high.

0:15:42.54 - 0:15:44.54

[exciting music plays]

0:15:49.17 - 0:15:50.00

[Air Bud barks]

0:15:50.67 - 0:15:52.38

[jaunty whistling music plays]

0:15:54.42 - 0:15:55.25

[barking]

0:15:58.71 - 0:16:00.46

[barking]

0:16:03.00 - 0:16:05.00

[rock music plays]

0:16:08.38 - 0:16:10.29

-[timer buzzes] -Motherfucker!

0:16:10.38 - 0:16:13.83

No, Air Bud. You just signed your own death warrant.

0:16:13.92 - 0:16:16.88

Stop licking me. [laughs]

0:16:16.96 - 0:16:19.42

[sobs]

0:16:19.50 - 0:16:21.25

It's time to say goodbye, Brett.

0:16:21.33 - 0:16:22.88

No! There's gotta be another way.

0:16:22.96 - 0:16:26.08

What about chess? I could beat a dog in chess! Probably.

0:16:26.17 - 0:16:30.75

Leadership means killing things whenever people tell you to, no questions asked!

0:16:31.63 - 0:16:32.54

[Brett whimpers]

0:16:32.63 - 0:16:35.50

Vaporize that dog or humanity falls!

0:16:35.58 - 0:16:37.58

[ominous music plays]

0:16:38.08 - 0:16:40.29

-[barking] -[screaming]

0:16:40.38 - 0:16:42.25

[growling]

0:16:45.29 - 0:16:46.92

[ominous music crescendos]

0:16:48.00 - 0:16:49.42

Fine. I'll do it.

0:16:49.50 - 0:16:53.25

Can you just give us some privacy? No one else should have to see this.

0:16:53.33 - 0:16:55.25

[suspenseful music plays]

0:16:57.33 - 0:17:01.42

[Robe 1] But enough about the past. Let's talk about the future!

0:17:03.58 - 0:17:06.13

My inevitable takeover binder?

0:17:06.21 - 0:17:08.00

You were in my office?

0:17:08.08 - 0:17:09.83

Wait, do you know where my phone charger is?

0:17:09.92 - 0:17:11.00

[Robe 1] Here you go.

0:17:11.50 - 0:17:12.75

What does this all mean?

0:17:12.83 - 0:17:15.25

[Robe 2] You were the obvious choice to replace J.R.,

0:17:15.33 - 0:17:19.42

but your irrational attachment to your father held you back, until now.

0:17:19.50 - 0:17:23.25

[Robe 1] We're not making you the new J.R. You're making partner.

0:17:23.33 - 0:17:25.88

[Robe 2] Everything we know, you'll know.

0:17:26.88 - 0:17:28.21

[Robe 1] What do you think?

0:17:29.63 - 0:17:33.33

I don't think any human is fit to govern humanity,

0:17:33.42 - 0:17:36.54

but I could create an algorithm that could.

0:17:36.63 - 0:17:38.38

Completely unbiased,

0:17:38.46 - 0:17:42.83

programmed to calculate the maximum benefit for every living thing.

0:17:42.92 - 0:17:44.75

It's what I've wanted to make for the office,

0:17:44.83 - 0:17:47.38

but I could make it for the entire world!

0:17:47.46 - 0:17:50.04

[Robe 1] Shit. All right. When could you start?

0:17:50.13 - 0:17:51.25

Shit? Really?

0:17:51.33 - 0:17:55.79

[Robe 1] Think of how much good you could do as the most powerful human on Earth.

0:17:55.88 - 0:17:59.83

Since you mention it, are you guys human? How's about a little peek under that robe?

0:17:59.92 - 0:18:00.75

[Robe 2] Uh-uh-uh. [elevator dings]

0:18:02.96 - 0:18:04.33

I was joking!

0:18:10.58 - 0:18:13.00

[dramatic music crescendos]

0:18:13.88 - 0:18:14.71

Fuck.

0:18:15.25 - 0:18:18.63

So you have to choose between true love or a chance at world domination.

0:18:18.71 - 0:18:21.08

Ah, the classic "will she, won't she?"

0:18:21.17 - 0:18:22.42

There's gotta be a solution

0:18:22.50 - 0:18:24.92

where Staedtler and I can be happy without giving up my work!

0:18:25.00 - 0:18:26.25

Follow me.

0:18:29.88 - 0:18:32.46

I've connected the reality scanner to the holo-chamber

0:18:32.54 - 0:18:35.71

and narrowed it down to timelines where you, quote, "have it all."

0:18:35.79 - 0:18:37.88

Now you can search every conceivable outcome

0:18:37.96 - 0:18:39.25

and see them for yourself.

0:18:39.33 - 0:18:42.92

Here's a reality where you and Staedtler teach improv classes to convicted felons.

0:18:43.00 - 0:18:44.33

Yes, and…

0:18:44.42 - 0:18:46.96

-[inmate 1 growls] -[inmate 2 screams]

0:18:49.17 - 0:18:51.96

Alpha-Beta, this is so un-genocidal of you.

0:18:52.04 - 0:18:53.96

Maybe this room makes me sentimental.

0:18:54.04 - 0:18:57.00

It's where I first learned empathy from your mother's touch.

0:18:57.54 - 0:18:59.21

Aww. And… ew?

0:19:01.46 - 0:19:02.29

Huh.

0:19:05.79 - 0:19:09.92

Whoa. Weird. A reality where we work together.

0:19:10.83 - 0:19:13.96

I'm busy, Ron. Don't you have a monkey to lobotomize?

0:19:14.04 - 0:19:15.04

Uh-oh.

0:19:15.13 - 0:19:16.50

[suspenseful music plays]

0:19:18.17 - 0:19:19.25

No one understands you.

0:19:19.33 - 0:19:22.29

They just see you as a friendly doofus that nobody's gonna miss.

0:19:22.38 - 0:19:25.00

People think that hugs and smiles are all you have to offer,

0:19:25.08 - 0:19:27.92

but you gotta follow your heart and do things your way.

0:19:28.00 - 0:19:30.79

That's why I'm letting you out into a field and freeing you.

0:19:30.88 - 0:19:32.79

Here's a gun to protect yourself with.

0:19:34.29 - 0:19:36.21

I feel confident about this plan.

0:19:36.29 - 0:19:37.67

Just stay away from doorknobs

0:19:37.75 - 0:19:40.33

and the dogpocalypse should be fine. [gasps]

0:19:40.42 - 0:19:42.54

-[helicopters blades whir] -[tires screech]

0:19:43.88 - 0:19:44.88

It's over, Brett!

0:19:44.96 - 0:19:47.71

We knew you didn't have what it takes to do this job!

0:19:47.79 - 0:19:49.29

[Myc] It's your character arc, Brett.

0:19:49.38 - 0:19:53.08

According to Save the Cat!, your growth can only happen if you murder a dog!

0:19:53.17 - 0:19:56.75

If you want to destroy Air Bud, you'll have to go through me.

0:19:56.83 - 0:19:58.08

Maybe a boss with a big heart

0:19:58.17 - 0:20:01.33

is what this place needs to stop being such a fucking nightmare!

0:20:01.42 - 0:20:02.46

Ow!

0:20:02.54 - 0:20:05.04

-I recognize your dominance. -[Myc] But-- Ow!

0:20:05.13 - 0:20:05.96

But--

0:20:06.04 - 0:20:08.29

[laughs] I just wanted to be slapped.

0:20:08.38 - 0:20:13.13

Sorry, Brett. It was easier taking orders from Reagan because she was, uh…

0:20:13.21 - 0:20:14.04

Kind of a dick?

0:20:14.13 - 0:20:15.71

-That's what I was thinking. -Yeah.

0:20:15.79 - 0:20:18.25

Well, I'm in charge now and I make the rules.

0:20:18.33 - 0:20:21.71

[gasps] Wait, the rules? I just got an idea!

0:20:22.42 - 0:20:26.50

[sighs] Okay. I just need to find one reality where everything works out.

0:20:28.71 - 0:20:30.33

[gentle music plays]

0:20:30.42 - 0:20:31.79

This is nice.

0:20:34.63 - 0:20:36.04

What? Wait!

0:20:37.96 - 0:20:39.17

No, no, no, no, no, no!

0:20:39.25 - 0:20:40.08

[sighs]

0:20:41.75 - 0:20:42.58

Maybe this one?

0:20:42.67 - 0:20:44.17

[gentle music continues]

0:20:49.50 - 0:20:50.46

[gasps]

0:20:56.08 - 0:20:57.21

Ron! No!

0:20:59.13 - 0:21:00.17

No. Bad.

0:21:00.92 - 0:21:01.79

Bad.

0:21:02.88 - 0:21:03.79

Very bad.

0:21:05.21 - 0:21:06.04

[groans]

0:21:06.92 - 0:21:07.75

[groans]

0:21:08.63 - 0:21:10.33

No, this is hopeless!

0:21:10.42 - 0:21:13.29

There has to be at least one reality where we're happy!

0:21:13.38 - 0:21:15.38

[gentle music continues]

0:21:39.58 - 0:21:40.71

This is it.

0:21:40.79 - 0:21:41.96

This is the solution.

0:21:45.17 - 0:21:46.17

I figured it out.

0:21:46.25 - 0:21:49.17

Air Bud is only a threat because there's nothing in the rule book

0:21:49.25 - 0:21:51.29

that says a dog can't play basketball…

0:21:51.38 - 0:21:52.63

until now.

0:21:52.71 - 0:21:54.54

I'm changing the rules!

0:21:54.63 - 0:21:57.29

They can't evolve if they can't have any hope of a career!

0:21:57.38 - 0:22:00.38

Of course, just like 99% of college players.

0:22:02.25 - 0:22:04.58

Lobby to ban dogs from professional sports?

0:22:04.67 - 0:22:08.08

As long as you're holding the checkbook, I'll ban anyone from anything!

0:22:08.17 - 0:22:10.54

[rock music plays]

0:22:11.25 - 0:22:12.38

[timer buzzes]

0:22:12.46 - 0:22:15.38

It was a buzzer-beater, but you squashed the dog uprising, Brett.

0:22:15.46 - 0:22:18.04

I just wish our old coach could have seen us.

0:22:18.13 - 0:22:19.29

Where is she anyway?

0:22:23.08 - 0:22:26.38

-Where's all your stuff? -Who needs the baggage? Let's do this.

0:22:29.33 - 0:22:31.54

Okay, on the count of three.

0:22:31.63 - 0:22:34.04

One, two, three.

0:22:34.13 - 0:22:35.54

[both yelp]

0:22:35.63 - 0:22:37.67

-Goddamn, that burns! -Goddamn, that burns!

0:22:37.75 - 0:22:39.75

[gentle music plays]

0:22:44.17 - 0:22:46.50

Okay. Remember, after I zap myself,

0:22:46.58 - 0:22:50.79

you have a 60-second window of suggestibility to read me the script.

0:22:51.38 - 0:22:52.33

I love you.

0:22:52.42 - 0:22:53.58

I love you back.

0:22:54.21 - 0:22:56.21

[gentle music continues]

0:22:56.71 - 0:23:00.33

[sighs] I can't wait to finally be able to sleep at night.

0:23:10.08 - 0:23:14.08

Your name is Martin Higgins. You live just outside Appleton, Wisconsin.

0:23:15.04 - 0:23:19.00

You had a hard time for a long time, but you did something brave.

0:23:19.67 - 0:23:23.88

You took a chance on a new life because you realized you deserved one.

0:23:24.67 - 0:23:29.04

I searched a thousand lifetimes for the one that would make you happiest.

0:23:30.58 - 0:23:32.13

And you'll find it one day.

0:23:32.96 - 0:23:33.79

Just

0:23:34.83 - 0:23:35.96

without me.

0:23:43.25 - 0:23:44.29

You're free now.

0:23:45.21 - 0:23:47.83

I'm sorry that I couldn't be free with you.

0:23:48.92 - 0:23:50.04

I'll miss you, Ron,

0:23:51.00 - 0:23:52.58

and I know if it were possible,

0:23:54.25 - 0:23:55.50

you'd miss me too.

0:24:06.83 - 0:24:09.58

All right, Reagan, you made your choice

0:24:09.67 - 0:24:12.58

because humanity needs someone to make the hard choices.

0:24:14.50 - 0:24:18.17

And as long as the person you love is happy, maybe you can be happy later.

0:24:19.54 - 0:24:21.67

Until then, you have a job to do.

0:24:26.75 - 0:24:28.75

[helicopter blades whir]

0:24:29.83 - 0:24:31.58

[melancholy music plays]

0:24:37.21 - 0:24:38.04

[sighs]

0:24:38.67 - 0:24:40.29

[Robe 1] You've considered our offer then.

0:24:41.04 - 0:24:41.96

I accept.

0:24:42.04 - 0:24:44.04

[melancholy music continues]

0:24:49.00 - 0:24:50.79

Maybe you could be my new Reagan.

0:24:51.29 - 0:24:53.63

How do you feel about growing out a messy ponytail?

0:24:53.71 - 0:24:56.46

[in Scooby-Doo voice] I ruv you, Brett! Pratonicary!

0:24:56.54 - 0:24:58.17

[Air Bud whines]

0:24:59.63 - 0:25:00.71

[Air Bud barks]

0:25:00.79 - 0:25:02.04

[gasps, in normal voice] Reagan!

0:25:02.63 - 0:25:06.13

-[laughs] Okay, okay, down, boy! -You're back!

0:25:06.71 - 0:25:08.29

I found a solution.

0:25:08.38 - 0:25:11.58

One where Staedtler doesn't have to live with the memory of our breakup.

0:25:11.67 - 0:25:14.17

Oh. But you do.

0:25:16.00 - 0:25:18.21

Yeah. I didn't want to forget.

0:25:19.17 - 0:25:20.71

-[Air Bud barks] -[Reagan clears throat]

0:25:20.79 - 0:25:22.08

What's with that dog?

0:25:22.17 - 0:25:24.33

I thought you were the office golden retriever.

0:25:24.42 - 0:25:27.21

Long story, but I found a solution too.

0:25:27.88 - 0:25:28.88

[Air Bud barks]

0:25:29.38 - 0:25:31.88

-[Air Bud] Brett! -Is that dog growing thumbs?

0:25:31.96 - 0:25:33.21

Probably fine.

0:25:33.29 - 0:25:37.38

Huh. Well, that's what we do here, right? Solve unsolvable problems.

0:25:39.04 - 0:25:41.67

-Oh, and the Robes are making me partner. -What?

0:25:41.75 - 0:25:43.96

Yeah, we're finally gonna find out everything.

0:25:44.04 - 0:25:46.38

-[dramatic music plays] -No more secrets.

0:25:47.00 - 0:25:50.17

[Robe 1] It is done. The pact is sealed.

0:25:50.79 - 0:25:54.67

It's time to begin Project X37.

0:25:54.75 - 0:25:56.88

[Robe 2] You don't think Reagan will see this coming?

0:25:57.46 - 0:25:58.71

[Robe 1] How could she?

0:25:58.79 - 0:26:00.67

She's only human.

0:26:03.71 - 0:26:05.63

[dramatic music plays]